I wish I had some solid advice for you to keep you in the game but really, the best I can offer is "Use it or lose it". Once a month I will wake up just shitty, storm out the door in the dark, load up my panniers with the basics and ride my bicycle south. It fucking kills me, the first ten miles. And then a Zen like thing happens. The scenery, the burning legs, the anger at what my old age and my body are telling me, realizing this could be the last ride, the last wave, the last 50/50 grind.

Anger and frustration can be turned into an energy to do. It will not stop the depression nor the thoughts of suicide the next morning but for that one 107 mile ride south, that one barrel ride, that coping grind at the local skatepark, I am 22 again.

Sorry, I have just have so many conflicting emotions on mornings like this.

I'm loaded up, going surfing, so what if it takes 30 minutes to get into my wet suit? What matters is I still try.

Oh, after that once a month bike ride, I call the wife and let her know to come and get me. A day on a bike is an hour in the car, she doesn't mind though I tend to end up in California some where.