Jesus christ.. I am still working on coming to grips with how depressed I am as I have never sought professional help with it because I am a stubborn person with "no feelings". I am realizing though day to day how depressed I am, outwardly you would have no clue talking to me unless I purposely let something give it away, and actually it appears to others that I am doing better. Going to the gym again and eating healthier etc, but thats only to help me deal with the short term affects of a stomach ailment I have. On the inside I am literally fucking dead, in the last few weeks especially I have thought about death a lot and considered suicide as a possible cure to my suffering. This is weird even for me to type out seeing as how I have always said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but its all happening to me now, with or without my consent. Last night was the first time I let slip the suicide talk around friends. I had had a particularly bad day yesterday and went drinking with some of my best friends and it just all bubbled up and spilled out a little. They were understanding and tried to "cheer me up" little do they know its not that easy. I guess what Im trying to get at is just how close this fucking list hit close to home without me even realizing it until now. Iv been thinking about suicide a lot, Drinking a fuck ton, definitely no sense of purpose and feeling like I don't fit in, pissed off all the time, feeling stuck in my own house or even city for that matter, nothing to live for, hide in my room when I'm home, irritable and upset all the time, again drinking a ton and taking adderall with a heart murmur, now talking about suicide, don't care about work anymore, and to top it all off Im going to see my grandpa in 2 weeks who I haven't seen in over 5 years. Truthfully though I think at the same time Im too scared of the unknown of death to actually kill myself, and in the meantime I just have to work the rest out.