I am 38/F Did I make a mistake with my friend M/38?

OK so about 10 yrs ago I met a guy online – not a dating site some chatroom or other (only talked on the phone/text/email, etc). This went on for months and I LOVED talking to him and was hoping he’d ask me out so we could meet but unfortunately he never did. We were both single and 28 then. I want to say I got somewhat frustrated with how long he was taking to ask me out so I slowly faded away. He was the first person I spoke to online. I always liked him as a person. Fast forward 2 years later and I get an email from him asking how I am doing, etc. It was nice to hear from him. I was just out of a relationship and part of me hoped maybe this time something would come out of it. On the other hand I liked him as a person and was ok if we stayed as friends. We exchange work email, new phone numbers, etc. and proceed to talk (every single day) for the next 2 weeks. I get on Myspace and stalk him come to find out he had a baby. Next day I confront him and he says in the time we didn’t speak he went overseas and had an arranged marriage (he is muslim I am white). In any case I was STUNNED for one he seemed too liberal for an arranged marriage and two wouldn’t that be the first thing he’d mention to me upon reconnecting? Especially about the child? OK I forgave him, Long story short flirtations began and we finally met up but I was clear and firm I wanted nothing more than friendship (he did). I told him I respected his marriage even though I knew he was miserable. Said he regretted it but had a child so made the best of it. That his family put an enormous amount of pressure on him to do it. After a few months we had an argument (about something else but I felt his frustration about wanting more than friendship). 5 years then passed and I saw him on FB. We reconnected in August 2014 (as friends again). We talked almost daily. I felt so bad for him as he is a great guy to be in this situation. Still the same issue with this marriage as before. I told him personal things about my love life and he as well-it was FRIENDSHIP. I trusted him and he me as well. However the dynamic somehow changed tis past month and we went out last week. I was so happy to see him after 5 years. Anyhow we went out to dinner (he paid for everything) and walked around the city talking and he thought me some things about his job I found interesting. All in all a GREAT night. He started hugging me. Kissing my head. My nose. Touching my hair. I never would have allowed this being he was married- but he had an arranged marriage (never fell in love) and I think in my mind it isn’t the same? And he was miserable and she has no family here nor a job to stay on he rown. He said he is trying to wean her of him so she can survive without him! And he was never home to avoid her. He mentioned divorce to me on several occasions. I felt life is short-what if he was the one and the timing just wasn’t right? Do I just let go again? As nothing in life is ever perfect and sometimes you have to grab on when you can. So at the end of the night-we kissed passionately. We hugged. We cuddled. It was just beautiful. Next day I don’t hear from him. Nor the day after. Not even if I got home ok as we took my car and I dropped him off at the station (he hates driving). I emailed him and asked him if did something wrong. He said no he was busy and told me why. Long story short I felt disrespected-almost like by him not calling me the next day he was setting the stage that he wasn’t serious about me or leaving his wife. SO I reacted. We talked on the phone and he apologized and said he was confused. He didn’t mean to lead me on (I don’t understand how hugging someone all night and kissing them passionatley is NOT leading the on). He said he was sorry he hurt me. He said we can be friends or cut ties. I was so hurt-why change our friendship if he wasn’t serious about me? For that stay friends only! I mean nearly a YEAR of talking and sharing our lives? I told him I don’t blur the lines nor mess around with my male friends. And he and I crossed that line. And I feel something for him. I also felt (maybe I was wrong and emotional) he took advantage of our friendship. He said he wasn’t happy in his marriage (I knew this) but his daughter is under 10 and some nonsense about us being in different places in our lives (we were in the same place the night we kissed and all along so why the excuses now)? So I told him I can’t be his friend as I would be secretly hoping more would come out of it. I don’t want to keep checking my phone to see if he calls or texts. I asked him flat out when he plans on leaving her-and he just had all these excuses. He said he cares about me. Can’t see me out of his life. He has a hard time talking to people like he does with me. I told him we have a connection and always did. But I cant do this while he is married. He said he would be scared to raise his daughter alone-I said if things got serious he would not be alone (I have 2 kids as well). I said I wasn’t playing any games with him. This THIRD time around with him-I took a chance as life is short. I told him I would never put our friendship on the line if I wasn’t serious about him-why did he? And he said he wasn’t thinking. And he cares about me and to please reconsider being his friend at least. I said I wasn’t seeing anyone and may be more vulnerable than him. THEN he said if I start seeing someone down and line I feel stronger to please call him and be his friend (he didn’t care I would see someone else).???? But I am hurt. Did I jump the gun? I don’t think I can be a friends with benefits person or be ok with him going home to his wife. Yet I feel the only way he would leave her is if he is head over heels in love with me-and how to do that with just being friends when I already feel something for him? He is one of the greatest guys I have ever met. Good job. Humble. And I just love talking to him. But I can’t understand what happened. He has never cheated and said he didn’t know how to handle the situation and kept saying he was confused but wants to be friends. I just thought maybe friends with benefits which is NOT going to happen! I would fall in love! Can someone give me insight? Thank you and so sorry this was so long. I just am confused and hurt.

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