My wife and I went through something similar. Looking back, it came down to better communication. It was hard to do because we were new parents and didn't realise how much everything changes when you have twins. You're short on essential resources like sleep and time, and it's hard on both parties.

Looking back, if I could do things differently, I would have started confronting each other in a healthy, safe, understanding way. The problem is that we would swing from silently putting up with everything, then exploding in anger, then wishing we'd said nothing and going back to stewing and keeping it all inside ... until it came dripping out again like toxic waste.

Accept that you're both just bad at communicating, you each have responsibilities to understand and try and confront each other about very, very difficult topics. These are matters you both have no experience in dealing with. You're probably both doing your best, but communication in these circumstances isn't natural ... it takes massive changes in thinking and talk which requires a lot of practice and commitment.

Start by recognising when you both remain silent or refuse to talk. It's a run for cover from a threat. Also recognise when you both explode, it's anger and emotional thinking that does nobody any good. Try to find a middle ground. Paraphase when you're hearing and put yourself in the other person shoes, but also try to make your position clear. If one of you needs to go silent or gets upset, try and remind them that you want to talk about it in a healthy, calm, respectful way.

It's easier said then done. I found reading about crucial conversations and confrontations really helpful in recognising the signs and helping us to talk about topics that are really difficult.