You're having what's known as an Existential Crisis. Anyone who ever stops to think objectively goes through it a few times in their lives. Existential torment is the human condition. I've had several existential crisis' and I'm barely 20 years old.

You're right, there is no objective meaning to anything. But who cares? That doesn't mean anything. But what is the meaning of this meaningless meaning?

You're ugly? What the hell does that mean? So your face structure isn't the same as some monkey who some othero monkey told you to think of as attractive. Does that mean anything?

You're a cancer on the earth? Well now you're just being a drama queen.

Meaning exists subjectively, so it does exist in reality. We can claim language does not exist because it's only sounds we make with our food holes and symbols we assigned meaning to. But the reality of language is tangible. I am likely thousands of miles away yet you can hear me speaking inside your head right now, because of the meaningless meaning of language.

Can you measure a thought? Surely you know thought exists. But is a thought "real"? Does a thought "exist"?

I get it bud. Life is hard, and most of the time it only seems to get harder. We live like ants in a decaying anthill. None of it makes any sense and we'll never understand any of it.

But

Somehow we exist. We are biologically programmed to survive by any means necessary in a universe that is actively trying to destroy us at every moment. In a universe where everything is evaporated by time, and all of us cursed with the knowledge of our own mortality. Somehow, the show still goes on. I've been able to find meaning in that idea but I don't know what it means. I look at it as a sort of dark joke.

It's a paradox. All of it. The odds were never in our favour. We shouldn't exist at all but we do. You specifically, would never have existed if all of your ancestors lives didn't play out the *exact *way they did. Meaning doesn't exist but it can move ideas from one ape to another. Thought doesn't exist, but it can build cities and annihilate then. We spend our lives "building a life" only for it to burn out. The universe is more chaotic than anything we can imagine but somehow it produces impossibly complicated and ordered lifeforms out of sheer chance, only for them to die almost immediately. That's the paradox. The joke.

I'm not going to tell you not to kill yourself, but in my opinion that would be a bad decision, even though you'd "beat the game" in a sense. A lifeform programmed to live, taking its own life by choice. How fucking absurd is that?

Humans are the most complex things known to humans. You are the most novel, most mysterious process in the known universe. Let that sink in for a while.

You should read the Myth of Sisyphus before you annihilate yourself. It deals with this kind of absurd existential terror in depth.