It wasn't just last night.
She has broken up with me and then made these epic oaths to win me back just to break up with me again. Now, last night I confirmed my suspicions that she has been fucking guys behind my back, literally the entire time.
I lost friends because of her. I lost jobs because of her. I thought, seriously, about slitting my wrists and bleeding to death because of what she did.
I need to get an STD test now for sure. I have no idea what drugs she's been doing, who she has been fucking, any of it. I feel disgusted with her and myself. I can't even imagine the idea of being intimate with another woman again. It hurts me to think of that - how fucked is that?
Our entire relationship, she visited my home a total of less than 20 times. That's over the course of 3 years. We had happy memories, some of them, but they were all tainted with lies and pain in-between, not just because of last night.
When we first met, she got black out drunk and my then best friend tried to fuck her, or she tried to fuck him. I have no idea. All I know is that I believed her when she said it wasn't her fault, she didn't know what she was doing.
She cannot control herself when drunk or on drugs. She is a total fucking mess. She is a fifth grade teacher. I have no idea how she holds herself together for these kids if even a shred of a fraction of what she has told me about what she has done this year is true.
She ruined a marriage earlier this year with a man that I just found out about. Some guy who had two kids and a wife. That she was fucking. She said she didn't know about it, but I have no idea what the truth is. She's done cocaine at least twice, all night long, on two separate occasions and fucked as many guys as possible.
I didn't want to believe any of this stuff about her. I have just cried in my room for months since we first broke up. I haven't had sex with anyone else but her since then. I haven't gone out on dates, I haven't wanted to date anyone else, really. I was totally in love with her. I would have done absolutely anything for her under the sun.
This pain is surreal. I literally cannot feel anymore.