Why am I even trying anymore.

I used to have a therapist, a year ago, but haven't been able to afford once since I moved in with my mom. All we can afford is the meds my primary prescribes, I'm on Wellbutrin right now.

I'm just always walking on eggshells when it comes to people close to me, whether its friends or my ex. I'm always terrified that I'm going to lose them if I say or do the wrong thing. I just can't be alone. I know that it's awful of me to act like I only have platonic feelings towards my ex, but I'm positive that he doesn't like me more than a friend anymore, so telling him that I still love him will just ruin everything. And once that's ruined, what's left? What would be left of me? Nothing, because I'm an idiot who bases her life on other people instead of herself. I'm terrified of having no one. What am I supposed to do with myself if I have zero people to talk to? I'm so afraid that I will actually kill myself if I'm completely alone. I have the means to do it.

I know I need to see a therapist. The meds aren't doing anything, they keep switching them to try new things but nothing works. What am I supposed to do though if we can't afford a therapist? We have insurance but the deductible is like $3000 so insurance won't even help us pay unless we pay $3000, which we don't have. I can't do that to my mom, I can't make her spend so much on me, I'm already such a burden.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread Parent