Hi there, I think you are brave for putting up with your wife's preferences and keeping the family together. I think you absolutely have the right to set boundaries, especially since she could be risking bringing in STDs.

While this is your relationship, please do research on covert narcissism and its link to polyamory and BDSM. You risk being abused by your wife as she is not putting equal effort into the relationship that you are. In fact, it's safe to say you are working overtime.

Narcissism can lead to early death due to consistent lack of love, intimacy, negativity and emotional trauma. I have a personal experience with this one so I really wanted to tell you that. Please seek out a reliable therapist if you believe you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.

If there is a book I can recommend you read, it's "Discerning and Defeating the Ahab Spirit: The Key to Breaking Free from Jezebel" - you can buy it on Amazon. It's for narcissistic codependents to find their voice and get their life back.

I think poly community should do more to bring awareness to situations like these.