I am scrambling to figure out my make-up situation and I feel so lost! And how can I explain the importance of make-up to my fiance?

Ugh, I'm right there with you, lady. My FH is a lot thriftier than I am and any wedding-related expense I mention turnts his hackles up (and my folks are paying for 90% of it!).

I think much of the miscommunication between men and women about weddings stems from differing expectations about what weddings mean for each gender.

I consider myself a pretty independent, practical, and forward-thinking woman, but as I negotiate this planning process, I've been surprised to find that my values are more traditional. Like I want to have a perfect dress, veil, etc. because I honestly believe that a woman's wedding day is the height of her being looked upon as an object of beauty and admiration. She's young, lovely, and celebrating her transition from maid to matron. She's the main event of the show. After a woman gets married she just has kids, devotes her life to them, and then gets fat and wrinkly and old. She should be able to show her wedding pictures to her grandkids and they'll all go, "Aw Nana was so pretty!" and she'll look fondly back at that one moment as a shining example of when she was the most important thing, versus her kids/husband/career.

TL;DR, I've discovered that I at least partially believe that women put up with a lot of fucking bullshit in life, and the wedding day is payback. For one goddamn day we deserve to get what we want, no questions asked, no expense spared.

BUT the fact that I think this is nuts! Myself as an object? My worth as beauty? So, so problematic, and definitely not the entire story of my values. But I have to admit, it's there. And when I tried, in so many words, to explain to my FH what it's like for me being a woman and dealing with these conflicting expectations and anxieties, he has become substantially more understanding of my reactions. Not that it's made him agree with my longing for a certain $5k wedding gown I know I'll never get... but at least he understands where I'm coming from. Which has made it easier for us to compromise.

I wonder how you weigh in on any of this? What are your motivations and values? Is your FH aware of them?

Similarly, I've started asking him questions about what our wedding means to him, and the various pressures he might feel. I wonder what would happen if you asked your FH to really dig into and share his thoughts?

Also, BTW, I'm in Chicago! We're getting married in MI (our home state) so I don't have many recommendations for makeup, but PM me if you ever want to get together for coffee and a good wedding rant :)

/r/weddingplanning Thread