How can we know that? We're not you, only you can know why it happened. And you must also know people who are abusers don't abuse just once. It's a pattern, so it makes it hard to believe one random day after 5 years you screamed at him and tried to strangle him.
But people evolve and change. I'm not the same person I was when I was 20. You don't have to be either. You can seek help and change your ways. Maybe starting by working in being secure on yourself and your relationship. Work on understanding why the jealousy, identidy the root of the problem, why your codependency.
You should feel horrible after what happened, and that's a good thing because you're a person with feelings and able to feel empathy and remorse, not a psychopath. Perhaps next time, before the situation gets out of control, remember how bad it feels now.
And it may also not be a bad idea to control your drinking.
If you ever need to talk I'm here for you. We all make mistakes, but we have to learn from them and always strive to improve ourselves.