You're right I wager.

My maleness feels like a devil I was born into a pact with. He's given me advantages. He promises me safety. Simultaneously he takes pleasure in using these positives to allow me to torture myself by granting them at the cost of my personhood, at the cost of the joy of being who I know I was meant to and am yet still meant to be. "You can cast me out at any time, but... You've only survived because I'm with you. You will die without me." Though I'm as likely to die, or, more likely for me, live miserably and suffer silently for the rest of my life because of him. What a perfect way to torture someone as well. Put her in a body that is just feminine enough to tolerate and slowly take it away while telling her to fix it is the biggest risk she'll ever take. Not because the process is all that risky, but because humans are just so good at hatred. Maybe even the ones that say they love you.

I'm not religious and am just emotional and rambling in metaphor. Thank you for responding to me. I appreciate it very much. The answer is obviously just to transition. Bravery has just never been my strength.