If I in any way conveyed a sense of pride in my exposure to that life, then my replies were poorly constructed because there is nothing admirable about it. You are, however, absolutely correct about violence, bravado & hyperbole.
I found repulsive the general acceptance of wife beating - even by my grandmother, whom I dearly loved. One woman ended up in the ER after refusing to have sex with her inebriated husband. I remember my grandmother saying, "Why didn't she just give it to him?" She was an off-the-boat Italian with a 3rd grade education - it's somewhat understandable that was her perspective. Doesn't make it any less vile.
One cousin much older than I married at 18 because it was the only way she'd ever get out of her parent's house, even to socialize (it's not like they'd send a daughter to college). Her husband ended up being an alcoholic who beat the crap out of her. The thought of walking away from either her parents or abusive husband to forge a life on her own was unthinkable.
The bravado is necessary (they believe) to maintain their standing. Disrespecting a woman was objectionable only because it implied a disrespect of the father, husband, brother attached to her. And they couldn't afford to overlook a small offense or perceived slight because if you let one go, others will think they can walk all over you (was the general belief, anyway).
The accomplishments of women are irrelevant. My uncles were quick to brag about my education, but never the professional achievements that followed. If they were ever in a position where they desperately needed my professional advice, I'm quite certain they'd pay tens of thousands to obtain it from a man. It shouldn't have bothered me but it did. Not because I wanted to be involved in illegal activities but because, like everyone, i wanted the approval of my family.
They're unapologetic racists. My daughter went through a brief phase where she was convinced she was "African American skinned," after the 1st grade girls decided she had the darkest skin in the class. I didn't make a big deal about because it was kind of cute - and I'd probably not have been able to change her mind anyway. Yet the distress it caused the family is almost laughable. My cousin pulled me aside, voicing grave concern about it and wondering why I hadn't "taken care of it yet." He's not elderly or uneducated - he's a fucking 47-year-old big-firm Chicago attorney.
It wasn't unusual for them to say "I jewed 'em down on the price. "I ate so much, I look like an old Jew." How lovely for my children and their father, who are all Jewish. The family didn't care - it was their world, and fuck anyone who doesn't think the way they do. They joked about wearing yarmulkes at my wedding ceremony. I was pretty hurt when I heard a groomsman say, "You'd better not let anyone get a picture of me like this."
They are limited to their world. While many of them are very, very smart, because of their life choices, they'll never be able to do anything else. One cousin tried, but was unable to adapt to corporate culture, or even refrain from calling professional women "honey." If their income streams dry up (and some have due to the proliferation of online gambling etc), I can't imagine how they'll maintain their lifestyles. I am lucky my father was educated and not raised exclusively in that world or I myself might be similarly doomed.
I'm grateful my parents' generally shielded me from the far uglier reality (which I nonetheless occasionally glimpsed). And while I only cited things I myself witnessed (the limitations of which I described when declining to do an AMA), and actually understated the extent of what I witnessed, the believability of it is, as always, up to the reader. But I'm not about to provide proof of my tenuous connection to heinous acts - and the connection is tenuous because their crimes are not mine. I, similarly, cannot and do not take credit for any "coolness" or bravado attached to that lifestyle either.
When someone decides to live a life different from their family, there are repercussions. It's not easy to be the black sheep even if you think it's for the right reasons. I don't feel any less treasured by my family, but I'm certainly not "understood." My children aren't very close to their cousins, and it occasionally saddens me that they're missing some of the memories & big-family closeness I enjoyed as a child.
This was insufferably long, but I felt it important to clarify my position. And since I had difficulty sleeping last night after reliving some of this, I think I'm done talking about it.