Hahahaha, it's cute that you think the US still can't learn from that, you wildly underestimate how terrible the trains here are.

We pay exuberant prices (it is literally cheaper to fly aboard and then back into the country to your intended destination...)

Here, too. The usual route I take is a 1 hour flight, but a 9 hour train ride. The flight is $100, the train is $95 but that's because we don't even have budget airlines like you guys do!

Have delays very (very!) often (sometimes hours)

Passenger trains in the US have lowest priority. If any train were on the track with commercial products, they all get to go first. I have had a train ride sit for 4-5 hours extra because of multiple commercial shipments coming through.

Seldom have a seat

Oh, not a problem here. We always have seats... but that's because nobody is stupid enough to take the train.

Are packed in the trains like beans in a tin

Refer to above.

Have to often change multiple times

At least you have transfers! Trains DON'T go to most places here. There are no trains to transfer to.

Have often conflicting messages from staff (or none at all)

Staff?

Trains smell of alcohol and fast food

Same.

Toilets are either locked, or open but without running water to wash your hands

You guys have functioning toilets????!!??

Must wait months (I had to wait 6) for "delay repay" (you can try claim compensation for delays of more than 30m) - I had 7 being "processed" at one time

You guys get compensation for delays?!?!?!?

Have abysmal internet connections on the trains

YOU GUYS GET INTERNET ON THE TRAIN????