Exactly one year and three days ago a close friend of mine committed suicide. What was worse was that my school was small. I was in my final year of high school where the student count was very low. It was a small school and thus everyone in my grade was very close to each other. It was like a big family. It hurt everybody very very much.
No one saw it coming, and it still hurts a lot. What is worse is that he was hands down the kindest soul I have ever met in my entire life to this day. Another friend did have minor bipolar depression etc, so if I were to make a list of who i thought would commit suicide, he would have been at the very very bottom.
I can tell you it still hurts, a lot. However the degree of pain is much much less. The weeks following the funeral, every time I saw his name or anything resembling or anything that reminded me of him the pain in my heart would be undescribable. It felt like my heart would sink and sink and tears would just immediately roll down. I had NEVER had a bad memory of him so instead of feeling anger or other emotions in the cycle of grief, I had personally only felt sad pain.
As time passes, the intensity of the pain does get less intense. You will still feel the pain and sadness but it would be less severe than it is now. I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong please.
After the funeral, because it was senior year, we had so much academic pressure that a lot of us were not able to get proper mental help and just focused on college apps. This made it so that it made everyone uncomfortable brining up the subject of his suicide. I can tell you now, just crying and crying among other people who cared for him was actually very soothing. At the time it was immensely hurting and sad but crying at the funeral was the one place i could let out my emotions and still be alright. There were times I wanted to burst out in tears looking at a empty seat where he was sitting, and I'm sure my peers felt the same sadness, but it felt almost inappropriate to show emotions after the funeral. What I'm trying to say is, I wish I could go back to the funeral and let out my emotions because now I can't.
The pain will get less harsh, stay strong.