Absolutely crushing. I'm so sorry you experienced that.

There's no way I'd have been affected positively. Feeling guilt and shame over things I can't control is my specialty (and that's so for most other INFJ's as well), but when it's something directed toward me - internal combustion is on the horizon and I'll beat myself to shreds. People are cruel and will go to great and petty lengths to feel included, even at the expense of another persons feelings, which is disgusting and completely unrelatable to me. It's something I take personally even though I know it has more to do with their own internal conflicts than it has to do with me. It's something I have to doorslam. To take out of sight and out of mind. Even then it lingers, but not nearly as much as when the person is still prancing around in my life somewhere. Sometimes in haste, when it feels too painful, I rashly cut them off and hide. Not because I hate them, but because something they've done has made me feel like I should hate myself.

I never experienced a situation quite like yours with same sex parents and teasing, but I always felt outcast in the ways you described. Difficulty making genuine connections with authentic people has been a lifelong issue for me. I'd meet people I made strong bonds with and at some point they'd get tired of me and disappear, as if I'd never existed at all. I don't need to explain how deeply that hurts or that the pain of it stays fresh forever, because you seem to already know. But I know in many cases that I did not cause their behaviour, they chose it. I was simply an easy target who didn't fight back.

I learned something important about myself, and other INFJ's when I was much older - the depth of authenticity and concern we give to others is rarely if ever matched and that can leave us feeling drained, unimportant, unwanted, and unworthy. We may not actively 'expect' to be treated as well as we treat others, but because we inherently do have a high standard when it comes to caring for others, subconsciously we must expect it - or at least just want to feel as important as we make others feel. It's okay to expect to be cared for on the same level you care for others, it just isn't as likely unless you're dealing with a similar type who's at the same level of growth as you are. Sadly, you're only likely to meet people like this online, where many of us have access to each other from all over the world.

Can I relate to you? Absolutely. I disengaged from society quite a long time ago. I stopped trying to make friends. I stopped believing I'd find people to connect strongly with. Blah blah. Then I met someone who completely undid my fears, opened me up, made me comfortable in my own skin long enough to really look at who I was and what I was made of, I felt relieved and excited about the future - and then that person disappeared. I decided then that I was done, that I officially quit too. I'm back to being mostly disengaged and it's quite lonely. To the point that I sometimes wish I had the balls to end it. Some days I think I might have them, and then I think about the person who saved me once and start feeling just good enough that I try to believe it may happen again. Some days I go out and meet people, even if it's just for some small talk to get me through another day. I have no confidence that I'll ever find a best friend or even a companion to spend the end of my life with - and that's a struggle to face - but I know it's in me to make those connections should the universe decide to throw a good person in my path. I just have to maintain the patience of a glacier.

The waiting is hard, but it will have it's reward when you do meet them (and you will).