Another day gone by with no motivation

I want to be like the other women my age. Dating, friends, seeing the bright side of things.

The nature of desire is something I question every day. Do I want those things, or am I being pushed toward them by an external structure which comes into conflict with my lack of desire? That was the question for a long time.

The distinction has smeared into a grey haze at this point. That I can ask these questions at all is possible because I live within a certain social structure, that there's no me in a vacuum to compare against, but that's not much consolation. I should want these things. By all reasonable standards in this society I should want to date, have friends, and have fun. But I don't.

I have friends. I haven't contacted any of them in months, though they often contact me. I've never made it past the first few weeks of a relationship because the entire process inspires this vile sense of contempt, because I can't be bothered, and because I can't force myself to care. Having fun implies enjoyment and desire, neither of which I'm all that familiar with.

This is such a ridiculous scenario. To not want anything to the point where suicide is a legitimate alternative. That's the human condition as I understand it, but the why I've never understood. Is it a purely biological defect? Is it a result of the exact circumstances of my social world? Either way, it's intolerable, and near impossible to communicate.

Don't push it if it's not happening. You'll drive yourself insane in a rather more literal sense. Do something ever so slightly different if you can, just for the novelty, and the rest will work itself out in its own time. We can't meet societal standards that we can't justify. Not under these conditions.

/r/BipolarReddit Thread