It's funny to me how much your description of your wife reminds me of my friend. She's a university professor as well... The lifestyle seem to burn the candle at both ends, sort of feeding off stress, with little sleep, and taking a kind of pride in the difficulty of it. If we sit down for a meal she will find 5 things in a half an hour that require her immediate attention, and it seems she is up and down mostly because it's more comfortable than staying still. It's occured to me that if I were to date someone with that lifestyle I don't know I would cope. I can manage being with someone who is having a rough time stopping to smell the roses, but if they seem to price themselves in not doing that, I dunno.

To armchair psycholgize, I suspect there's probably a part of your wife that respects herself for pushing herself so hard, as well as a part that wishes she didn't have to, and as well resents that you won't. This is pretty bland advice, but have you talked to her about this like you have here? Any chance you and her could be in a "the two of you versus the problem" mode and try to take steps together, for example to take a phone free couple days in the country some weekend? If you've been to counseling a few times, all this I am might seem a bit trite. But yeah.