3. Any resources for navigating a schizoid personality complex (my own, that is)?

Any resources for navigating a schizoid personality complex (my own, that is)?

Wow, everybody thank you for this.

I can relate to a lot what I read here, might even be a schizoid myself. Let me share my experience.

I had artistic aspirations with varying success since my early teens - until around a year ago I ended up in a very isolated corner, and my life was shit. My inner world was elaborate, my fantasies wide but my real life experience was so shallow. I have a lot of "objective" experience - schools, trips, friends, etc., etc., but I didn't feel that much as much I experienced. So I started therapy. As I progressed I was unable to ignore the fact that my artistic goals were not compatible with whatever "happiness" I wanted. So as you have put very nicely "I shattered" those secret plots, I did again and again. Sometimes I still have trouble - I start new plots, my mind creates new ways to break free from reality. Even this morning I woke up and realized that I am dreaming too much again - I plan too much, I imagine I can do too much. So I need to take a step back, re-evaluate what my priorities are (family, gf, friends, career, health), see where I spend too much energy and time (slacking at work, fantasizing about new ways to meditate, fantasize about exercise, fantasize about women), re-focus on what's really happening (I am behind on my studies, I am eating too little and am under-weight, my drawer is very untidy, my skin is getting dry) and make decisions on what I can spend time on and on what I cannot (that book will have to wait, need to study on the weekend, drink more fish oil, etc.)

I am not able to articulate what I chose instead of my fantasies... To be honest those fantasies in a way felt better than reality - reality feels hard and easy at the same time. Easy because I get actual results and doubt is not killing me, but hard because I am simply incapable of doing, of being everything I would like to do/ to be. And I still fantasize, my most recurring one is breaking up and getting with random girls at the moment. But I always remind myself what REAL and TANGIBLE progress I made.

  • For first time I am in a long term relationship which isn't emotionally hurtful and abusive (both ways).

  • I started a career in a new field, and it is going really well. First time holding a "serious job" for so long and so successfully.

  • Started uni for another BA in a field which would help me financially. (I have a degree in a humanitarian field already).

  • I make friends easily and I am not anxious anymore. I have a good time and not in a "I try very hard and get recongintion so I feel good" way.

But still I am not sure I can be "cured". I do feel that problems with me are not my problems. If someone is hurt, etc., I feel bad but mostly because I want to get everything (be liked, etc.) Deep inside I do not really care what other people experience, I want whats good for me, I want my girlfriends love but I do not want to take care of her. I feel that being good makes other people appreciate me more so I do that. I don't know if I am good, I know I have been raised to consider that being good if you catch my drift. I enjoy talking about ideas, about things, I enjoy the most when my thoughts are appreciated, not when what I actually do is appreciated. Even though my ideas are extensions of me - but I do not consider my actions as extensions of me. I am ok with criticism for my actions more than criticism for my thoughts. That is pretty backwards when I think about it.

I do cringe at "its inside that matters" but at the same time I am pretty sure I use it subconciously when I am the one under the radar. But as my real life successes start happening I can see the tide turning.

What katykadaver said about his father very much reasonated with me. I used to ask those hurtful questions to my girlfriends and didn't feel like I was being wrong. I just felt like I am playing, like I am doing an experiment.

I used to consider myself guilt ridden right now I do not feel this way, maybe I am buying what I read here too much, I don't know. Will re-read this thread tommorow.

This post is a mess, but I will still post it - something is in here, but I am not sure what.

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