any transgender couples having this issue?

Have you told her any of this? From this singular one account provided, it sounds a little insensitive for her to consistently express a desire to be penetrated by such a thing while you are simultaneously desiring to have such a thing. Same thing with the waiting thing - a little empathy makes it obvious why this would be insensitive to make known. You just can't do that for a bit, even if you got the surgery tomorrow.

When you are dating a trans person, it's important you try not to trigger their dysphoria. This does not change if you yourself are trans. You two are aware of the arrangement. No need to keep picking at the scab and hurting each other about it.

Also, opening our relationship to a poly relationship triggers me not because of having others in our space but because I feel like I'm such a mess she needs support outside of me

This is a huge reason to not be poly. If you do not have a secure foundation, and if you can't control thoughts like these, and she can't help alleviate them, it's only going to fester. I would say it's only a matter of time before you notice one of her more self-assured partners, especially one who can provide in this way, and things will probably go south real fast. "I'm such a mess she needs partners outside of me" -> "this partner can provide everything she needs" -> "she doesn't need me anymore" -> relationship exploding fireworks.

Not to make you think everything is doomed, quite the contrary. Communication can help with a lot of this. She can definitely reiterate that she does want to be with you, she's not looking for a replacement, she's not doing poly because you're such a mess, etc. Same thing with the earlier points - things can be reiterated, if brought up, which might help with your issues. She's not needing to have that need scratched tomorrow. She's waiting for you out of loyalty and love, not to pressure you into doing it more quickly. The delay is worth the wait. Etc. But only if you two talk about it and figure out what will help.

/r/asktransgender Thread