In my head, before I look in a mirror I am a man. A handsome one. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was one.

But I’m not.

Or am I?

All I know is —

I’m at a point where wearing any type of clothing weighs on my mind, men’s or women’s. Nothing is comfortable because neither are right. I don’t want to wear women’s clothes at all, but I don’t want to wear men’s because physically I’m not one and I don’t like the attention it brings. If I’m mistaken for a man, it bothers me though - angry actually.

I’ve toyed with packing and strappy dildos and ever since, I don’t want it any other way. The embarrassment I feel half the time I’m wearing it though is just about painful and I don’t know what to do about it.

My wife is bi, so she is down for mixing things up with gender play, but would this be too much? I whole hearted believe she would support me. Stay with me though, I’m sure for a while at least. I wouldn’t trade her for a penis though. But would things be the same after I put this out there?

I want so badly to take that journey, but the transition part sounds horrific. I’d have to pause my life, for years. Halt career growth, move to transition and move again to start over, what about my wife, and the family lost. What about the surgeries, how long will the scars be obvious? What about my wedding pictures and baby pictures? What do I tell my (future) kids, anything or everything?

I still can’t have kids like a man though, and my penis won’t look typical. The head and sliding skin kinda makes it, doesn’t it? That won’t exist though will it?

Phalloplasty and pump implant would be the way I would want to go. Full mas as well. But I want to see a post op in action, sounds terrible I know.

I’m almost 30, I’ve got to figure out what the hell to do. I feel like I’m going to explode, I’ve never felt this kind of confusion, but clarity at the same time. I have to make a decision but am terrified to live either way. Even with everything I’ve read or watched I don’t feel like I can make an informed decision, because I’m changing my whole future. Limbo sucks.