Using a throwaway here because cocaine has led me to some places I've never told anyone about and can never tell anyone about. I always loved coke from the first time I tried it, that feeling of hardly being able to swallow because my throat was so numb was insane. I loved it. I tried it first when I was 18 and the only thing I hated was the constant need to redose. But when the supply was out, it was out, and I had to deal. So I fucked with it here and there throughout the years, til I found myself craving it beyond belief at random times, distracting me from my clssses or it being all I could think about when I was with other people or alone. Thankfully I never really had a steady connect, but if it was ever randomly around I'd never miss an opportunity to cop a bag for a night or go in on some with some friends. Then one of my friends became a solid hook up. Anywhere from 1-3 nights a week id buy a gram and blow it all in my room alone because I couldn't help myself. I was no longer using it socially. I was using it as a hermit. Red flag. But I continued on for months before deciding my wallet couldn't take it anymore and I was pretty successfully able to go back to every now and then, I'm talking every few months at the most, sometimes I could go even half a year without touching the stuff. And once I got fully physically addicted to heroin (as much as I've loved coke, opiates always grabbed me more), coke was never on my mind. I mixed dope and coke (just snorting both) like once and the coke just overpowered it so I stuck to my dope. Got clean off dope for a while, relapsed, and have now been clean again for almost a month. But once I realized dope was no longer an option for me anymore, I could hear my favorite girl calling my name. I knew I shouldn't, but I just had to try. I live in a pretty big time open air market city, so I decided to cold cop some coke. It was too easy. So a few days later I did it again. Then again a few days later. Then one day I was having trouble finding a powder corner and could only find hard (crack). I could feel myself slipping from dope addiction to a really, really bad coke addiction. Trying crack wild be absolutely fucking stupid, surely I would stop myself from stooping to such a low level with a drug I used to be able to keep in moderation just for social events. Nope. Decided what the hell, let's see why crack heads just can't get enough. Tried smoking off foil and eh, it was okay but honestly wasn't too impressed. I preferred sniffing. Until....I asked someone I knew to help me find the most fire shit he knew of, he took me to the block and we got some powder, but he also snagged some hard because I lied to him and said I'd never tried it before, he said their hard was insanely good and he wanted to grab some while we were there. And then he busted out his actual crack pipe and let me have a go at it. Holy shit. There it is. That's why crack heads just can't put this shit down. What an amazing but constantly fleeting high. I need more. Now. Fuck I'm already almost out I spent all my money on powder. And now the powder, while still hitting the spot, is almost just a tease for that crack high. Oh yeah, and this dude gave me his crack pipe because he normally just shoots his coke with his dope (which I'm still completely off of). Great. I should have said no I'm good. But I took it because I knew I'd want to have access to that high whenever I want. And since then I've been fantasizing all day every day about the next time I'm gonna go cold cop, only this time I'm asking for hard, which every corners got these days. Because the fiends can't stay away. So here's the dark side of coke: 6 years ago as an 18 year old I tried it and loved it and used recreationally in pretty decent moderation for a while with some pretty not great but not world ending binges. Now I'm 24 and on the cusp of a very real crack addiction. Having just been through hell and back with a heroin addiction and subsequent relapse, I'm about to put myself through an entirely different hell and I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it. Accesss is too easy in the city I'm in. I have the means to use it, and for now my finances are straight but that's probably gonna change. I'm terrified but unwilling to do anything about it because I want this. I want to do it, I'm not gonna tell anyone in my life what's going on because I don't want to, I don't want to ruin my opportunity to get high because I love it. I'm fully addicted to coke mentally, probably have been for a while, and that's starting to manifest itself into a crack addiction because I figured what's the harm in trying a new route of administration. Funny thing is, I refused to use a needle when I was a dope addict, always was content with sniffing. But for some reason with blow, when presented with the opportunity to feel it even more intensely, I couldn't say no. Just had to see for myself what all the fuss is about, everyone knows every old saying in the book about crack and crack heads. And I'm your completely normal average 24 year old you would never suspect was into crack or even dope or coke really. But I just can't get enough and I'm afraid I'm about to let it take everything I've got the way I almost let dope take it all away. It's clear to me I have a huge problem, but I've been able to pass it off as just a problem with opiates because staying away from coke was easy while on them. But once I got off for the second time, I felt like I needed something in my life to get my buzzing hard. And now it looks like I'm gonna be doing crack now. Coke can take you to some dark places, and while I take full responsibility for where I'm at right now for the choices I've made, my love for coke played a role in it for sure. I stopped being smart with coke. I stopped being smart in general. An addicts brain will do that. It'll stop at nothing to get what it wants, and when an opportunity for a faster better high comes along it's never going to want to say no. So if you have a super addictive personality like I do, be extremely careful with coke. Your problem may not start with your next pick up, it may not start within the next three to four years. But you never know when you'll be lying wide awake at 4 in the morning because you can't wait to go cop some rock when the sun comes up. This shit is no joke. If you start using coke in non social situations more often than in social situations, stop. Immediately. Trust me.