Anyone else an autistic step mom?

My wife didn't meet our daughter until she 18 months, and it was a real struggle to figure out how to do things. I did not want to alienate her from our daughter, but also I felt that sometimes she just didn't know us well enough to react appropriately.

What we ended up designing was a "Do it right the second time" kind of approach. This means that we just react the way we think is right, with full support from the other parent. Then afterwards we discuss if that was the correct response, and get it right the second time, and so we both become both consistent with rules and boundaries.

After doing this for a while we slowly learn to predict how the other would react, or how the other's "upbringing philosophy" works, and can take that into consideration. This constant practicing of finding the middle grounds gives our daughter the most consistent reactions from both parents.

When we do disagree, I make sure to not undermine her position. It's okay that a child learns that parents are two different people with different rules. "You know your mother doesn't like that." or when she comes crying because "Mommy scolded me" I'll say something like "Yeah, mommy said no and that means no. She doesn't like it when you ______." or "You know that's what mommy says".

/r/AutisticParents Thread