Yeah. I get lost in the nerve wrecking existential confusion sometimes. I never felt comfortable here as a kid. I would wake up every morning hating existence when depression struck. It hit me like a freight train, knocked me off my feet, and swept me into the ocean. Reality scares the living daylights out of me. So I stay medicated on anti-depressants. Weed helps. Coffee helps. But this place scares me. It's an existential fear - I remember it as a kid. I would wake up scared to death for no reason. I have dismissed these sensations as anxiety in the past but I now know my anxiety and my depression are very tightly intertwined. I hope I don't offend anyone with my words. I just hope it brings some sense of relief to someone with the same intrusive thoughts. You're not alone if you're anything like me. As much as I've always embraced, accepted, and identified with depression - I've repressed how hard it was at first as an adolescent. Shit hits hard. Life loses it's color. It's like watching life in black and white without sound. Without awareness. I feel like I spent my formative years suffering from serious mental illness. It feels like I floated across space and time endlessly for a long time. I never cared much for this place. I was never content, but I was never discontent, with the situation. I still struggle with anxiety and depression now in my mid-twenties but it's nowhere near as terrifying as it used to be back then. I refer to my depression as the Abyss. It's a deep, dark, descent into existential fear, anger, hatred, and rage. It's madness.