I could have wrote this myself. The only part of me that wants him is my body. And when my body wants him my brain follows suit. And before you know it I am yearning for his lovin. It's just so chemical. I have had to actively push thoughts of him from my mind when they arise. Especially when those thoughts are idealizing him.
It's so unfair.. that someone who does not deserve this level of sexual devotion and desire has me completely bound to him sexually. He has no idea I feel this way. It would probably inflate his ego SO much his brain would explode. He'd love knowing he has this power over me.
But why? Why does he? Why can't another man make me feel this way? I have yet to answer that. It's like it's beyond my biology. It's bigger than me. And I love that it is out of my control.
I like feeling out of contol. I want to be controlled. Sexually. Not emotionally. Unfortunately he preferred to control and dominate me emotionally. I would have been 100% down for that sexually. But I guess that's not enough for them. Doesn't feel real enough I guess?
I still crave him. It's a battle everyday. No one else does it for me. And I know no one else will. At least not for years and years.. and it would probably be another narc. Cause they really want to dominate. And I really want to be dominated.