Dude I've gotten like 5 kills ever. And most of them were while the enemy was looking the other way and attacking my friend Dave. I don't really have a friend named Dave, but it sounded better than saying I mercilessly shot some dudes in the back. Slaughtered might also be too strong of a word. More like shot and occasionally hit for 15 seconds while they were too confused to find my strategic position - of being next to some dumpster or shit - until they somehow miraculously died. I know I know, everyone involved was confused. Now.. it's possible they came back and spent the next 15 minutes or so soundly decimating my very being.. while gamer hubris didn't allow me to just leave.

So yeah I suck. I'm not bad at pve.. not at all.. but pvp I'm basically worth -1.5 squad members. I was -2 squad members for a while, but friends have found that using me as bait gives my life some purpose.

Haha.. I started to look online why my pvp was so bad while I could more than hold my own pve. But I came across all this fancy pants smart guy literature about this and that and that and this. Numbers like 1.6 and 1.7 and something something something. And I was like uugghhh waayyy too tired for that shit. And it's like there's only so many beers in the night, ain't nobody got time for reading and shit. So yeah. That's pretty much where that story ends. So I just.. I uhh.. just do me. Figure it out on the fly. Game time decision. That kinda thing. I'm not saying it's a good strategy. But it's a strategy. Hell, even if I tweaked everything for pvp I'd still probably be rifle fodder. I'd just drain a spec of someone's bar instead of drain a number that is statistically equivalent to goddamn nothing at all.

Still.. I've had a blast with this game. I avoided it for a long time, then was very pleasantly surprised. Plus, I normally find randos who are down to help me when I want to go in the dark zone or whatever. Half the time I find a rando I'm dead before I even know what happened and it then takes me shockingly too long to realize what the fuck is going on. The other half some dude befriends me and we're chillin and shit. Some time goes on and I'm like omg we just became best friends! And I'm about to extract all this cool shit tha- oh he killed me. And then sodomized my lifeless corpse. I dunno if that last part actually happened, but it felt like it. The other half (yes three halves) I meet some peeps and we go on an epic run of me piggybacking off their successes. I get so excited I finally get my headset on and holy shit it's a screeching extravaganza of kids who's primary life focus includes things like finger paintings with macaroni shells for a little more pizazz.

Ahh. 'Tis the life of a noble warrior. You'd think at least if the kids were assholes.. I could destroy them all and run away with the loot like a champion. You'd be mistaken. They kill me almost as instantaneously as I have thought the thought of thinking to betray these little spawns of Satan. I'm like thinking the thought. And then oh shit. Who thought that? Did you think that? Or did I th- annnnnnd I'm dead. Goddamn I gotta think my thoughts faster. Fuckin little shits haven't spent years and years of reckless cocaine abuse on top of excessive parlays with transient street hookers yet. Like a normal adult. No. They can just think like some fancy pants goodwill huntin type mofuckers. But the hookers and blow catches up with a man. When you're young you're like nah man. Hookers and blow will never end. I'm fuckin Neo. I'm the one who will break through the wearing demands of a life dedicated to street level equatorial cocaine and wondrous women of the night. Mostly full set of Teeth and the absence of an inclination to viciously shank me at any point in the night are always preferred. But beggars can't be choosers and while this life didn't choose me, goddammit I'll honor its divinity. That's who I am. That's who I will always be. A man with meaning and purpose. A life to be proud of, even if it costs me some laughably pathetic The Division deaths because my mind is too much awesome to think about peasant shit.

The dreamers are beautiful beautiful souls. But try as one might. Hookers and blow will one day end. The torch will be passed anew. And when it does, you are going to suck at video games. Because you haven't really paid attention the last 15 years. So I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Like life is an intricate balance. You have to honorably balance your hookers and blow. Can't get good at the division if it's 100% hookers n blow. Which is why I suggest to all of you a healthy workmanlike blue collar amount of 65% hookers n blow, 35% video games. That leaves 0% for everything else but.. uhh. You'll figure it out. Or you won't and you'll be giving handjobs in cvs parking lots for bottom of the bag crack rock. But every once in a while fate aligns and a guy who just happens to have a lil crack rock and wants a handy meets a hapless young chap who just happens to want a lil crack and is perfectly capable of performing said handy.. meet while buying rot gut whiskey on a Tuesday morning in a cvs.. you judge all you want. But that's the circle of life in action. I don't see what the issue is. Except maybe not everyone likes that. I dunno..

So what have we learned? That I should probably go back to drinking because then I'm too gone to ramble on like a straight up insane person? Possibly. That hookers and blow are the backbone of this society, but unfortunately going all in that direction does have its difficulties? Perhaps. That if at the very worst you can always give handys for a lil crack rock here and there to get by? I hope so. That I really suck at the division with pvp and it's borderline worrisome about who I am as a person? I mean it's not not accurate. Ok it's really accurate. I guess we'll leave it at that. Pretty good lesson everyone. Next week we will learn about the nuanced sexual desires and visibly unpleasant mating rituals of the mythical leprechaun. Warning: it is graphic.

Well then. That's what happens when I don't drink. You can have it one way or the other world, your call. Drink and wake up in a strange neighborhood covered in sex jelly and grizzly bear fir. Or this. Choose wisely.

And if you're reading this steve go fuck yourself. I know you read all my posts because it's like your examination of first hand insanity. But you got kicked out of the fire department because of weed and Jill has told me numerous times to stop calling her. She was a keeper, but you're steve so that's like a handicap. Like you should be golfing way the fuck up front. Still, you should ask for disability because disability = am steve. I doubt you'd even have to fill out the entire form. They'd be like dear god, no no it's ok. We got it. Just uhhh.. don't go around any schools and probably any large congregations of people, period. We feel for you, we do. But this is a civilized society and goddammit man have you thought of the children!?! Ha. Love you Stevey boy. But I can't end on a non go fuck yourself. So go fuck yourself.

Well now this post lost direction massively. Probably some of my best work in that regard. I will tie it all in like a ninja gypsy writer and say: the division is a very fun game. There's a lot to do and even though I suck miightily at pvp.. it's always fresh. You can suck at a video game and still find how to enjoy it. But yes, to answer your original question. You are certainly not alone. If you came here for division stuff only and not the big floppin bag of gorilla dicks and insanity that might possibly come with it. Then you probably are not going to like what you find above. Be warned. I realized this is the end so it'd be too late by this point. But I still thought the gentlemanly thing to do would be to let everyone know. Go fuck yourself steve, you rabid slab of horse cock and disappointment.