Ive got social comfort, but there are a lot of factors that are beyond my control. My rib cage, my brow ridge, my narrow hips, my wide shoulders, my wide jaw, my bulky arms and legs, my hairline, etc.

I'm a woman, I do not hesitate when I say I'm a woman, and I feel comfortable in a group of women. I went to a rehab program as a woman, in a women's only group. But idk I still beat myself up a lot for being different. For not being perfect and for the aspects of my body that others perceive as male. I'm not sure honestly if srs will make a big difference. But im scheduled in a month and very excited so. We'll see.

I pass under dark lighting, if I'm not speaking, from a distance, or honestly if I'm just having a good day. I'm not saying I never pass, I'm saying that with any degree of scrutiny I obviously don't. And if I have to say a single word I don't. When I do pass I usually think I'm just interpreting things that aren't there. My voice is the bain of my existence. Its a dead giveaway. Ive been trying to voice train for years and just can't make it stick. I'm scared I never will. I use my voice all day every day for work, so its quite hard to change it.

Ive been out as a trans woman for a little over a third of my life. I'm realizing that its a continuous process that doesn't just stop at an arbitrary point, but I'm just frustrated and a little sad that I can't just assimilate like so many people say they do. I want to be free from dysphoria. I want to be able to live a happy life where every day I dont feel like shit a thousand separate times because of my body and the way people see me. I would get ffs and other surgeries if I could. But I can't, and my insurance does not cover anything so. Instead im praying srs will change things for me. Maybe 2 months off will give me more than enough time to practice my voice. I dont really know.