Is anyone else not able to work for years?

Yes, and it can mess with an already suffering sense of Self Identify. .. it's been almost eight yrs from an ability to do p/t work, and thirteen yrs since my full-time job. I deal with CPTSD cognitive issues, and I also have a torn meniscus in each knee and seven bulging discs in my lower back (4) and neck (3). All of it has been a challenge daily and only within the past few months have I been able to make markable strides in gaining an inner semblance of positive self identity, and less fear and shame. My body is in pain 24/7.

I had applied for a p/t job two months ago that I actually had gotten. A p/t job (cashier) I believed I could fulfill as a reentry into the job market. I had worked p/t in the service industry so I was confident I could at least try. I had previously worked f/t as the admin assistant to the owner of a small software company, and I hope I can pursue office work over time. At this new job I went the first day, only to be asked if I had gotten the text someone had sent that the first day for orientation had been rescheduled. Apparently I hadn't. The person who sent it had used the "wrong phone number" so I had showed up only to be sent home. This was a red flag, but I took it in stride and remained hopeful and calm that it would be a safe place to work.

The next day I went for orientation was okay. It was a walk around the store (national hardware store) and time spent going through the in-house online computer orientation programs. These were tedious and the programs were confusing, the system used to open and close the different training programs were horrible. Having worked for a software design company I'm familiar with computer programs, I have intensive experience in program testing, and for such a huge company, these were absolutely gross. I muddled my way through the day and after my shift, went home. But during the middle of my training, the training supervisor had left for a lunch break and never had a backup employee to assist me. This was the second red flag. I was still hopeful the staff would be safe. But they had zero covid sanitizing and 90% of the staff did not wear masks in employee only areas!! Even the managers!

The next day I arrived for training, the training supervisor wasn't even there, as it had been her day off. Her office was dark and the door locked. She never had anyone informed I was working and needed training assistance, and I asked four people for help. One employee finally came and "helped me" get started on the training programs, having me go into the program in a different way than the training supervisor had previously. This employee was the same one who has sent the text I never received. I had gotten a strange vibe from her, one I was too familiar with, and noticed a smirk as she helped me navigate the training program sign-in.

An hour into the training program that day I needed assistance. Again I walked around asking people for help and I finally located the person who helped me earlier. She again had me use a sign in that wasn't familiar. A half hour later as I sat alone in the training area, I realized I had been gaslighted by the training supervisor and this other person. I was again stuck in the programa from hell... I began to react with getting choked up and feeling like I was going to cry. I felt abandoned. I realized this was not a safe, supportive place to work. I clearly wasn't being provided with training and these women did not want me working there. Third red flag. I went out on the floor looking for the floor manager and finally found him in a back room with two other assistant managers laughing and having fun. I told him I had a migraine from the programs and left, but not before he told me he hadn't even known I was scheduled to work and was surprised I was even there! Red flag number 4. I phoned him later and told him I was not returning. The training supervisor wasn't even there, nor was anyone else there to help me. Plus the training programs were too confusing and convoluted I found it impossible to navigate the system. He told me I shouldn't allow my failing to stop me from going back in to keep training! WTF?!? I failed? No, the company and employees failed ME! I feel these women knew my work history as an office manager and felt like I might try to take their job. I had zero intention of doing that. I was actually excited to be getting back to work and looked forward to working there as a cashier! I truly believe they did whatever they could to let me know I was not welcomed there.

That was my recent attempt to go back to work. I had moved last year to a very small town in the mountains and there are few jobs outside of health care and fast food. Hopefully I'll be ready for office work again and the right job and company will be hiring.

/r/CPTSD Thread