I am, and was before the wedding and during planning, going through a bit of a personality crisis due to burnout, PTSD, depression… I don’t feel connected to myself anymore and I felt like I didn’t know what I wanted to I kept changing my mind on things.
I started out with 7 bridesmaids and ended up with 3. It was heartbreaking. 2 of them had moved to the states and couldn’t come because of work/visa issues. One couldn’t afford it but put off telling me until a month before the wedding when I already payed for her dress. One had some sort of sporting event she already payed for and couldn’t her out of. One broke up with her boyfriend without telling me, I ended up hearing it from him and then she got mad that I texted him even though I didn’t know and we were all friends, so she broke off our friendship. She was the closest friend here in this new country we moved to so that really messed me up. It should be mentioned that she took the boyfriend back and that they are now engaged. But he’s the only one that is friendly with us. I ended up having a childhood friend stand in as a bridesmaid. This girl had her own mental issues and ended up getting shit faced and needing taking care of.
I picked the wrong dress because it was the prettiest one out of a bunch I looked horrid in but wasn’t allowed to change it cause I signed a contract(€1200 for a fckn dress I don’t feel beautiful in…).
The photographer squeezed into the fine print that the pictures would take 9 months before I would get them. I ordered a video so I could show my grandma who was too poorly to make it to the wedding. I’m so worried the video won’t be done before she gets worse.
The catering company I first hired got me to pay them a down payment of €1500 before the tasting and then refused to refund me when I didn’t like the food. My wedding planner worked for them and couldn’t get me out of the contract so I had to fire her. There went my live music budget.
My Swedish family have been giving me shit for my drug use(I smoke weed to curb my anxiety, however weed is Sweden is practically classed as a hard drug), so I didn’t smoke on my wedding day so I was just wired and grinned like an idiot in every photo and I just look like a fat moron in an unflattering dress.
Mind you, I did all this in Spain, by myself, barely knowing the language.
Everyone keeps praising me telling me the wedding was amazing and they had the best time but I only look back at it with crippling anxiety. As if I should’ve known better. As if this wasn’t the first time planning an event this size and of this importance. This whole thing cost us €40 000. I hate myself.