I don't know. It's a weird thing for me. It's like, I've been using stims for years, and they made me realize that if i WANT to do something, i can do it for months and months and months...
Then this made me realize that i only want to do this stuff and be successful when I'm on stims. But wait, to afford stims i need to work, to work i need stims. Why can't i do it without stims? Depression, mainly. The realization that i need drugs to be successful and otherwise I'm just a lazy dickhead that no one really cares about, but that's ok. I've had social anxiety for years so this must be a good thing for me. A blessing maybe? Who knows. Only time will tell, whether i will grow out of this whole needing drugs to be successful thing, maybe in a couple years when I'm 25, I'll have things worked out for me and a path laid out for what to do, but on the other hand i should prioritize my mental health, probably should get my depression and anxiety worked out - but wait! The drugs for that limit my seratonin and that makes some of my favourite non stim drugs not to work to their full potential! Maybe therapy? Nope. Woukd probably start getting weak in the knees and sweating uncontrollably as i step out of my car and walk 5 feet to the front entrance where i will be constantly thinking I'm being scolded by everyone in the building. With nothing in mind for what to do, and you spent all your high school years doing drugs with buddies and living the dream, all your other school mates were getting scholarships, getting college education and real work and money and friends and a life!
I am not sure if drugs have helped me mentally. I keep coming closer and closer to ordering benzos, or opiates, taking these drugs to help the pain to go away but in my head all I'm really thinking is hopefully these drugs can eventually kill me? But i don't really want to die, or do i? Not sure. I believe in the whole "permanent fix to a temporary problem" but is it really a temporary problem? Who's to say i will get better? Maybe the benzos would help my anxiety and maybe then, i could get the help i need but for now I'm stuck here scrolling through this subreddit, and various other drug related subreddits, promoting harm reduction and maybe i can make someone else's life better, even in the slightest way. I mean, talking to people on here is one of the only ways i can get happy after all, this community is a great place and one of the only places i can relate to in such a way.
I'm not sure where i went with this, but i vented and it felt fucking amazing.
I think some drugs have helped me, some haven't.. But in the end i believe benzos and opiates would absolutely destroy me.
Oh, my break is over. Time to go be productive.