I've been feeing this way ever since i can remember. I've always been an introvert but i don't know why I'm letting it bother me now. I keep telling myself i don't know what is right or wrong or what should i be doing with my life (i am in school studying computer science, i am studying this because computers are the future, i want to be a part of creating this future). I guess it all comes down to the fear of being judged and not fitting in. This mentality has led me to make a lot of fucked up decisions like hanging out with people that literately gave no fuck about me (fuck, those were time wasted, i could've spent those weed money on things that I've always wanted like video games). Maybe i just miss my mother, i miss her making decisions for me and guiding me. I have no brothers or sister(i might've had one but my mother told me my dad tricked her into getting an abortion(this was before i was born) she also told me he wanted her to abort me as well but she refused. sating shell take care of me herself if she had to). when i was 12 i was put on a plane alone to go and live with my dad in the u.s. I haven't seen her since then. I am 19 now. This could probably explain the fucked up mother/son/milf porn i enjoy watching so much. I have no relationship with my dad. I blame him for everything. Why did you separate me from my mother? i had a happy life, my life was perfect. Now I'm depressed all the time or i think i am. I am getting older, i don't know who i am (i do know who i am, i am not confident in who i am, i need to be more confident in who i am, no matter how many times i say that to myself, something would just randomly trigger a depression/anxiety episode(maybe i should stop calling it that, its prolly my brain telling me to think about what i am doing at the moment, and me fighting my instincts causes me to have these episodes)). I doesn't help that my dad also suffers from depression and we live with a bipolar person or that i have been homeless since i was 15, or that i am the only descendant from my fathers side bearing the last name. I know how to be social, I am not ugly, i just need to listen to myself sometimes (for instance when i was a kid i loved playing soccer; i recently bought soccer shoes and decided ill go to the field yesterday, the field is an hour ride on the train from where i stay. On the way there i had an episode(I kept telling myself i should turn around and go back home, everyone comes to the park with a squad, you're going to look like a loner coming the park alone. I fought that thought, i was literately shaking on the train fighting the thought. i made it to the park, this is where i belong i love playing soccer, i don't care if i don't watch it or played for a school team, it brought me joy as a kid. I played my heart out, i met some cool people. A guy even shared his joint with me lol. On the way back home i talked to this cute girl on the train. I felt so confident. i shoulve got her number. )) WOW i learned a lot about myself lol. I've always known these things but maybe i just need to keep repeating it to myself. I should start a blog. I should make a bot that send me a sweet message every morning. Thanks for listening. I love you. I love my dad too regardless of the fucked up things he has done but i never tell him. he could've easily kicked me out to the cruel world to go survive on my own. i am selfish. I was told that as a kid countless times, i never liked to share my toys but i always want what others have. fuck. listen to your instincts everyone, do whatever will make you happy at all cost(as long as youre not putting other indanger). That is literarily what life is, be happy and spread happiness. I read a quote yesterdsy that ill never forget{people are not angry they're just sad.} Dont fight your emotions, listen to it.