Anyone starting to re-develop ED behaviors in their 30s? Or can relate to these weird grazing food behaviors?

I had undiagnosed anorexia back in my mid teens (5'10", 110lbs) and ballooned in my early thirties due to back surgery (210lbs). I'm 33 now and relapsed really hard after a bad breakup. It didn't help that one of my exes (polyamorous triad) used to fat shame me all the time and actively withdrew food from their other partner as some sort of fucked up D/S dynamic. Now that I'm down to 136lbs in two years, I'm still in disbelief that I have anorexia again. It also makes me super satisfied to see on social media that my abusive ex is now the fattest they've ever been (and unsurprisingly suddenly "fat positive"). I can go days, even a week or so without eating but then rationalize that I've earned a binge on food I really love (sushi, Shake Shack, a block of cheese) only to start the cycle all over again. My therapist told me at the beginning of this relapse that she could see me wasting away, and I had only lost about 20lbs at that point. I keep wanting to get my weight down to 120 so I can be clinically underweight and I really, REALLY want a thigh gap. I KNOW my relapse is trauma-related but I can't get myself out of it.

/r/fuckeatingdisorders Thread