Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's related to having kids. Sounds like you both had trouble before. However, it's hardly going to be easier once hormones are affected by birth and nursing. But in my case, it had a big impact.

I can sadly relate to some of what you describe. I developed sexual aversion. She might already be triggered by a simple touch, because she associates it with sex.

Her reaction to the fleshlight could be a severe sexual shame/guilt. She might not think it's okay to have sex for pleasure, and she thinks the fleshlight is depraved, as it is adding to the pleasure.

I came back from all that. In my case, I addressed first my mindset about sex, embraced sex again as a welcome and wonderful intimacy, and when those negative barriers were gone, I felt my libido come back, too.

I think you might increase her aversion if you initiate (let alone manage to have sex). It took me a lot of reflection, time to myself, and gradual visual and mental exposure, before I was physically ready again.