Knowing and experiencing first hand are totally different trust me, day and night difference. I've been through alot of stuff before thinking I can empathize with a lot of peoplem my aunt and grand parents had cancer and I helped take care of them all as a young kid (teenager) but until a few months after I got diagnosed ( when the shock wore off) my whole outlook on life changed and I never thought I could come to know fear such as that.

I would spend weeks off my prescription to not get a dependence, while staying on whatever anti depressant I was on. What came out of it? 8-10 hours of my heart feeling like it would explode from the pressure of the weight of my mind which was thinking about worst possible outcomes in a loop. I tried deep breathing, baths, meditation, hell even drinking and partying on my off chemo weeks, but I could not get rid of the panic marathon. Those weeks were a living hell when I decided fuck it man if i get addicted, withdrawals cant be as bad as these physical symptoms as soon as I took my prescribed dose my heart stopped aching, my mind slowed down and I was able to get work done, enjoy the company of friends, eat, and so on.

I think you're right I am addicted to the drug, but because of it ability to stop the panic marathons as I call them, not its body buzz I get for maybe two days after a tolerance break.

But you also opened my eyes about the long term dangers, I don't wanna survive all this and have ruined my brain, I'm going to work with my doctor to cut my dose. It's just disheartening nothing else has worked so far but maybe we'll find it.

I just hope you never deny a cancer patient a benzo while offering to work with them to find a better solution. It literally was the line for me between emotional hell and the ability to function. I locked myself up, barely went out, barely ate, barely talked to anyone anticipating death even from such a curable cancer.

Sorry for the vicodin fueled rant (believe me this stuff is even worse but I just had a thoracotomy one of the most painful operations, and without taking a heavy dose every 4 hours I can barely take a piss from nearly fainting in pain.)