I just posted and deleted a rant on this subject about 20 min ago....I fully agree with you.
My best friend of over 18 years has been in an abusive relationship with a narc for just as long. I cannot even begin to list all of the abuse and ridiculous situations we have endured because of that, however I will say that it has been a long painful road with her. I along with her family have always worked on supporting her through the self loathing, insecurity and have always complied with her ridiculous rituals to keep her partner happy. The only thing we cared about was having her around, happy. We have been patient listening to her cry about the same situation day after day, listening to her growing bitterness and watched her lose everything that made her, her. I have on numerous occasions driven to her house after she was having suicidal thoughts to make sure she was ok. I left work, school, and at times picked her well being over my own or my relationships when she was having mental breakdowns. I would always find her alive, "just fine" after her husband decided to give her attention again. I would stand there relived because she was alive, but emotionally wrecked thinking I was going to walk into a crime scene.
She found this sub after I introduced her to reddit and I thought it was helping her get courage to finally leave. A few months ago she found evidence that her husband was being unfaithful although she has had more than enough evidence from previous experiences, and she claimed she finally ready to leave. She got everyone involved economically and emotionally. No one ever forced her to leave, or make the decision we were simply reacting to what she claimed she wanted. I took time off of work, took countless days to execute her plan, how she wanted it because it just, "HAD TO BE HOW SHE SAW IT". I bought plane tickets on my credit card, because I was completely broke all the while seeing signs that she would not go through with it. I waited it out because I did not want to believe she would involve every single person in her life and not leave. We have done this many times over the years always backing out at the last minute because or whatever made up reason she came up with...but this time I though it was different because she got everyone involved, something that she had guarded against before.
Of course she didn't go. Two days before she was set to leave, she text me, " I'm not going." I calmly called her and told her it was fine, she could stay but I could no longer be in her life if she did. It was like if she either did not believe me or maybe just didn't care. After 18 years, countless prayers and sleepless nights I decided I could not live with her emotional manipulative behavior. I decided to distance myself to finally focus on my life for a change. I have not had it easy by any means, and she knows that, but she made me feel guilty for having hope or options with my life. I do have a career that I love and am currently advancing in ways that I always dreamt of, mostly because I chose never to give up. I always kept moving and now that I am not there for her she hates me. Envies what I have which is not much. She wants me to," feel and experience what she is going through."
I guess I am writing this here not only so she reflects on her actions, but to encourage people to be truthful and understand that all actions have consequences. At time as fiends and family watching these events play out, we get sad, upset and often angry but please understand us. Please don't lash out on people just because they can no longer be part of the abusive cycle you chose not to leave. If someone needs to move on, let them. Don't hate, or envy them. Don't wish them ill. Please keep seeking help but in turn don't become the abuser yourself.