I just want to let you know that I know how you feel. I was in a car accident in December 2014 and I haven't been the same since, sometimes I ask myself the same question but then I remember it doesn't truly matter, what matters is where we are right now.
But, I don't feel like myself anymore. I was the only person in my car, I was in my first car, my tiny 2003 Hyundai Accent going 40mph/no seatbelt on when a large pick-up truck tried to cross traffic right in front of me and crashed into my car (right in front of the driver side door), the other side of my car was pushed up against the streetlight pole on the side of the road. I don't remember the impact, but I "wokeup" with blood dripping down my face, blinded from my bandana that fell in front of my eyes.
Legitimately 10 seconds after I started stirring, a fireman got into my car from the back drive side door and got into my front seat, turned my car off, called my boyfriend and my mother for me, and gathered everything that fell out of my purse. Anyways, I'm getting off topic..
All I needed was 7 staples for a skin tear on my scalp. I just haven't been the same since, I feel depressed, my anxiety has increased immensely, especially driving. I feel bad for my passengers because it's so bad it's to the point where I won't even drive on roads if I haven't been on them before. I'm constantly worried someone is going to cross the line and come barreling into me again. I have a lot less motivation, I'm honestly disappointed so much in myself that I've let myself become so detached. And that is the perfect word to explain it, detached..
But I've chalked it up to be because I realized how fucking shitty life can be. If I would've died that December night, the last thing I would've ate woulda been pillsbury snickerdoodle cookies (disgusting, first time trying them) & the song I was listening to was "Lookin' Ass" by Nicki Minaj, like wow, what an amazing way to go out!
After a close call with death I think people tend to realize how meaningful but fucked up life is and it tends to make us a little bitter. Or maybe we have shifted into a shittier reality and somewhere in another realm we really died. Fuck that would suck if that's the case. Another weird thing is my first car, the Hyundai Accent, has the same birthday as I do. (Month & date) I've always thought that was pretty weird & coincidental. Either way, here we are and were the only ones who can change our own perceptions of the world we are experiencing. (Or are we?)
This is a really long comment and I'm rambling now, I'm sorry, but just know you're not alone and it's okay to question life.