The aa big book chapter 4 I don't currently go to aa, although i have attended a few times in the past. These are the things from that chapter that really rang true to me.
First I can have my own conception of God or a higher power. It could be anything even I could be my higher power. Second how arrogant and pompous would i be to say there is no god if i cannot prove it or disprove it.

Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?

Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism.

Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe under- lying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.

Everybody nowadays, believes in scores of assump- tions for which there is good evidence, but no perfect visual proof. And does not science demonstrate that visual proof is the weakest proof? It is being con- stantly revealed, as mankind studies the material world, that outward appearances are not inward reality at all. To illustrate: The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirl- ing around each other at incredible speed. These tiny bodies are governed by precise laws, and these laws hold true throughout the material world. Science tells us so. We have no reason to doubt it. When, however, the perfectly logical assumption is suggested that underneath the material world and life as we see it, there is an All Powerful, Guiding, Creative Intelli- gence, right there our perverse streak comes to the surface and we laboriously set out to convince our- selves it isn’t so. We read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we believe this universe needs no God to explain it. Were our contentions true, it would follow that life originated out of noth- ing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere. Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of God’s ever advancing Creation, we agnostics and atheists chose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn’t it? We, who have traveled this dubious path, beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion. We have learned that whatever the human frailties of various faiths may be, those faiths have given purpose and direction to millions. People of faith have a logi- cal idea of what life is all about. Actually, we used tohave no reasonable conception whatever. We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual be- liefs and practices when we might have observed that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness and usefulness which we should have sought ourselves.

Instead, we looked at the human defects of these people, and sometimes used their shortcomings as a basis of wholesale condemnation. We talked of in- tolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves. We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees. We never gave the spiritual side of life a fair hearing.

tldr: grew up in a cult believing in god, left cult got angery at god, then decided god didnt exist. did some drinking, went to aa, decided Who the f@#!k am i to say there isnt a god. I get to decide who god is to me

sorry its so looong it would take several books to fully explain why i think the way i do