Thank you for your kind words, but truth be told it’s really difficult to see that perspective. I don’t think it’s impossible for me to start loving myself but I fell cursed by the burden of self awareness. I know exactly what I need to do to better myself, step by step, and yet every time I take action I feel like I’m being dragged down. I know that that’s not going to get better on it’s own and yet I don’t have the resources to handle the root issue properly.

With regards to not focussing on women, I get that. And honestly it makes me cringe internally to think that this is what I get myself worked up about. But the truth is, I feel a reasonable level of satisfaction and fulfilment from every other aspect of my life. Without breaking my hand patting myself on the back I’m quite intelligent and have great career prospects ahead of me, I have amazing friends and a very active social life and despite being severely depressed I still manage to take decent care of myself wherever I can.

Between all of this there is a sizeable gap toward my fulfilment. I’ve thought it was stupid before but the desire for intimacy and love is a basic human need. And when I actively put myself out there and give it my all and come back no more successful than if I’d done nothing it’s soul crushing.

Truth be told, I don’t know what I have to gain from a relationship. I’ve never been in one. I might think I have an idea but truth be told I’m quite clueless. That’s why I try and take steps to enter one, less so because I think it will be this magical thing that will make all my problems go away and make me happy until the day I die, but more to gain some insight. It might be horrible it could be amazing. It might even be slap bang in the middle and completely ordinary, but having never experienced it, never being close, I just don’t know.

I’ve always wanted therapy but until I’m earning a decent income, it’s infeasible.