Thanks. Said nothing wrong to me.
I study in my free time to try and do that. I like learning. I play WoW. Exercise is a 'self harm' practice to me. I had 3 athletic scholarship offers as a result of my 'mindset'. Of course, I declined em all as is my nature. If I wasn't in pain, then I need to go faster and faster. It made me a very good runner/athlete. If I didnt hate myself by the end of the race, then I wasn't goin fast enough. I've tried to exercise in a method outside that, I just can't seem to. I can't disconnect the 'self-harm' aspect of it from it.
Which is what confuses and depresses me the most. I've been blessed with more opportunity and potential than most people will in 60 years in 23 years and I still simply can just not control it. I've wasted it all, ruined everything, and simply still can not get a grasp on myself.That added guilt ontop of me. A third of my left forearm is a big ass burn scar(It has started fading, so I guess that's good) with cut scars up and down it from shear helplessness/desperation to control myself when nothing else would help.
I've pushed through, tried ignoring it and continuing on for 13 years now. I just want to know when it'll end. If someone could say at 25 it'll end. I would do whatever I needed to make it there. But there is no answer. I could be there until I die at 90 or whatever. Nobody can ever say anything to me. You're depressed, your bipolar, you sound BPD. No bipolar. you just sound depressed. Sounds like you may be BPD. Sounds like depression now. Sounds like BPD now. Sounds like bipolar now. Therapists are all over the place themselves and even they aren't much help. I have no way to get out of this town and find new therapists. I can't even function in college. I can not function at a job either. Last job ended with me crying my ass off almost suicidal. I quit, in tears, for I feared where it would take me. What set it off was I put the wrong pizza in the wrong box (They looked the same size pizza) and was told to get off that duty for the rest of the night. I'm simply in a corner.