I commute on an e-bike frequently and always carry a heavily-modified 50-caliber airgun pistol, loaded with custom-made rifled bullets tipped with 8mm steel ball-bearings. It will empty a 12-gram CO2 cartridge in 12 shots. I also have a separate magazine loaded with rounds containing 1/4" stainless steel cleat spikes, and another with frangible rounds full of high-purity capsaicin powder. I also have an under-barrel pepper spray launcher mounted that takes Walther PDP cartridges, which shoot a stream of capsaicin solution and UV identifying dye at 185 mph and will blanket a target at 20 feet. Oh, and as a backup, I've got a 9mm handgun with three 13-round mags loaded with Federal +P HSTs.

I consistently flip drivers off, yell at them, etc. when they (routinely) do stupidly illegal shit that puts me in mortal danger, all while I follow the letter of the law. I eagerly await the day one of these chucklefucks decides to get crazy with me and I get to shatter every window on their vehicle, fog the cab of their car with aerosolized capsaicin in one hand, and hold the 9 on them with the other while I wait, smiling, for the cops to show up as the driver chokes on liquid fire and weeps spicy, spicy tears.

I know one of you is gonna tell me "Ohhh, but what if they have a gun, too?" Honestly, I don't give a fuck. I will die on this hill, just as too many cyclists have died at the hands of idiot motorists in the past. People get far too comfortable with driving and forget they're dealing with life-and-death stakes every time they get behind the wheel. You're all potential threats to my life, and if you're doing anything but 100% paying attention and driving perfectly, I hate you with every fiber of my being.

Semper sic moronis. Share the road or share the lead.