Yes, talk in bdsm is no guarantee. There are several times in my recent memory when i told someone i didnt like something, and they unapologetically tried to do it to me anyway. Can't imagine what an awful betrayel / cognitive dissonance you can have when you are not into anything bdsm and only engaging in it out of love for your partner. I was never a fetishist, but considered myself (seriously) an anthropologist of bdsm. Ok really though i had serious emotional problems. I had no close friends, recently moved to a new city to study, really insecure about my body and self worth. i was unable to have any relationship with anyone that did not involve degradation (mostly me judging everyone). So i was driven to bdsm in search of people i could feel easily superior to, and nothing is lower than men on bdsm sites. After engaging with bdsm for a year i felt on the one hand unable to feel for anyone anything that was not violence-related(verbal mostly), on the other hand feeling so empty, like theres a constant void inside me.

Can i tell a sycho story from my time in the dumps? Ok skip it if you don't want to, it's a stupid story with an ugly twist. once there was a guy who wanted to sign me up on a pre-play contract. I signed it because he seemed like an idiot (making sure i agree to as little acts as possible). It was a funny evening, he brought me to the home of the teenage girl that was his main "sub" (19) for a threesome. We ended up leaving him in the background and having fun ourselves, and after she had an orgasm like he would never have given her, i painted her nude. He wanted to take the painting for himself but ofcourse he was pretty de-masculanised by then in my eyes and i really hope in the eyes of his "sub".

I was being super stupid for partaking in this (23 yearold at the time), but because he was a lawyer and was cheating on his gf i did not feel so threatened.

Yea, being with a cheating guy was not the ethical or healthy thing of me to do, but cheating men do make for good bdsm partners, they're scared to piss you off, and because i do not respect them i was never involved emotionally with them. It was all about exploration. Maybe that is also something telling about the bdsm community. For sure i've done my exploration, no need anymore for interacting with cheating std spreaders. I strongly do not recommend anyone to do this kind of exploration. I was lucky to not catch any serious std but i am still pretty fucked. Men who cheat do not care about protecting their gf from stds, and they sure don't care about the health of the girl theyre cheating with. Also bad karma to be with people you think are idiots just because society says you have to try being promiscouos. I feel so much better now that i'm single, finally more mature, and loving myself. Op, and all other girls who are ashamed of things they did in the past. Don't be. Life is trial and error.