Thanks. To put into context, I am asking for sympathy from nobody. I dug my own hole, I did break the law, regardless of the morality behind marijuana. But the situation is just a complete mindfuck. If I don't actively try and find hard drugs, the police, the people who protect us and keep us safe, will ruin my life.

Everyday i wake up fearing to check my phone, hoping that I do not see a text from John saying "Sorry bud, turning you in". I have no family and in the last three years worked my way into a clean record, live in my own apartment, now have a job with opportunity making $40,000 a year. But if he turned me in, I would surely be fired from my white collar job. I would need to go into debt getting a lawyer. I would probably go homeless or couch surf since finding a job as a convicted drug felon is impossible. Not to mention jail time, probably at least a couple months. When I get out, 5-10 year probation, piss tests, never being able to leave the country or have a passport, weekly meetings. Not to mention paying $100 a month for the UA and meeting fees. Never being able to vote or pull out loans. ALL student loans deny me since I am a felon, I can not even go to school. The jobs would all be blue collar bullshit making low hourly wages at 60 hours a week just to survive. I went through it at 19, it is horrible. People with family or money can make it through, but I have have neither. Maybe it is what I deserve for what I have done to the people I have given up, I honestly don't know.

I just want to lead a normal life, save for a house, marry my girlfriend, have kids, travel. I want to keep my salary job and contribute to society. But every couple weeks for the last three years, unless I go hunt for hard drugs and illegal activity, John threatens to take it all away. I have no friends left, just depression and sadness. My anxiety is terrible and I my trust in my humanity is sometimes just gone.