I suppressed my trauma for years and was really into "sex positivity" while in university, because everyone else was into it. Now that my trauma decided to explode on me about a year ago, I suppressed it again by being as busy as I possibly could, and when COVID hit, I was forced to be alone with my thoughts again. My trauma is back along with the panic attacks, self-loathing and sometimes suicidal thoughts. My world feels like it's been turned upside down. I feel like I've been sold this lie throughout university, when people told me that there are no consequences to sex as long as you use protection! There was no discussion at all about how casual sex can be dangerous to your mental wellbeing, or no talk at all about how a lot of men just don't care about your pleasure/wellbeing, and will happily use you as a sex toy if the opportunity arises. I learned these things the hard way.

I know I have beliefs that other people don't agree with, but it's so hard for me to make sense of what happened to me in the past. I just simply can't view sex the same way as I used to. I don't tell these things to people in real life because I know they won't agree anyways, I was just hoping to see if there's anyone else who can relate to how I feel... I (thankfully) don't know anyone else who was raped, and I've been feeling really lonely about this.