Betrayed, hurt, deceived - Anyone else find they STILL put their own feelings last?!

Thank you - to elaborate further, its about a guy (isn't it always?) who had a gf but didn't inform me of that fact. They were going through a rough patch and now aren't. I think because of my childhood I'm very nieve when it comes to social situations and missed a lot of the cues or only saw what I wanted to see.

Anyway, I'm still cycling. Its horrible. My friends all think he is satan in human form but I just can't see him like that. I HATE what he's done, and hate that I formed such an attachment to him when the signs were so blatent in hindsight, but I still can't see him as a bad person. Every other person in my life has walked away from me. He just... isn't. My friends say its because I know who his gf is (hence being so protective of HER feelings before my own) but I don't know.. I let him think for an entire night that I had told her (hissy fit No 2) and even after that he still stuck around and talked me down after my third outburst. I'm not sure anyone would do that unless they really did care. I don't know.

I am still hurt and angry and cycling through the third step, but I feel like I absolutely cannot explode at him again - he said I was crucifying him in the last conversation we had and I can see logically that I am. It ISN'T normal for someone to drag another person over the coals THREE times when each time the other person thought everything was sorted out, but that's how I function.

It's funny how you say that it's okay to ask for time. I SO have to learn to do that. Even in the first phone call where I confronted him about what the truth was, I immediately switched into "its not so bad, poor you, I understand, don't cry, don't feel bad, this isn't the end of the world" mode. My natural instinct to smoothe things over and to sweep things under the carpet so there's no conflict or blame. Its only when the anger and hurt starts building (in whichever form) that I realise that I've inadvertently resorted to the techniques I learnt in childhood and not the ones I try to use now to safeguard my health - which is why I then explode. Asking for time and backing off to let myself process things THEN would have made me seem far less of a lunatic than I must now appear to be.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread Parent