Hi there

I hope you don't mind me messaging. You've been so helpful and insightful, honestly I can't thank you enough.

You're right. I am feeling sorry for myself at the moment. I'm going to let it happen tho. I figure I have to get thru the sulking stage before I can take a deep breath and move fwd. I am going yo do a post asking about UK therapy as I need to know exactly what to ask for at the docs. Over here they usually try and fob you off with cbt and, while that's incredibly useful for some problems, it's not appropriate here. If I go in armed with info then that will definitely help.

I can see the sense in going no contact for a while but, and this is part of the problem, I just can't afford to do that financially. It would have to be prepared for and planned for. This makes me feel weak but it's not just me it would affect - have to think of kids etc. I claim disability benefits to live on, but they don't cover anywhere near living expenses. I'm not talking luxuries, I'd never get given luxuries, I'm talking food, gas, water, electric - real bills that are essential. I shall have to put some thought into how to escape that cycle.

I don't seem to be able to stop crying at the moment. It helps when the kids are around as it forces me into some semblance of normality for their sakes. I'm going to have to talk you them about it at some stage, but again I need to do some research on the best way to approach it. It could have some damaging consequences if I do it wrong and the last thing they need is extra pain. My daughter has mental health issues - it looks like she'll end up with a diagnosis of being bipolar like me. She's only 16 tho, so they won't officially diagnose this until she's minimum 19yrs old. She has a lot going on right now with exams and a rough breakup. Last thing she needs is to have to process this. I haven't even approached it with my hubby. I'm afraid he'll tell me to get a grip, that it's all in my head and not believe me.

It's why I'm so grateful you've taken the time to explain things and offered to talk to me about it. I have no one else in my life other than family. I'm quite frightened. About what it means for the future. I'm scared of being alone - really frightened because if I cut off contact the only people who would be in my life are my hubby and kids. Literally. Where do you go from there? I've always had issues with being alone, panic and anxiety, I'm having to push it to one side at the moment because the overwhelming thought is that surely it's better to have someone than no one? I know it's wrong, but that's how scared I am.

I'm also heartbroken. I don't understand why this is happening.

Sorry. I'll stop blithering on lol. Again, thanks for listening. My name is Helen BTW.