BF has been lying for months, don't know what to do. Help please

Here's a truth: He was most definitely abused in some way in his family of origin. Both the depression/weed addiction and the lying speak to this.

There is no such thing as "just depression". A major depression always has a context of adverse childhood experiences. So does the lying. So does his procrastinating behavior. These are not incidental. These are the direct consequences of something that happened in his childhood.

Are you aware of the abuse he suffered? Have you ever openly talked about it?

Also, please consider for just a moment the reverse situation. Imagine a guy came asking her saying that his girlfriend who was e.g. sexually abused didn't "perform as expected". Do you think the same people who are advising you here to "do yourself a favor and dump his depressed ass" would say the same thing to that guy asking about his girlfriend? Or would they rather call him a selfish prick?

Your boyfriend has definitely been through severe abuse, at least emotional abuse, probably worse. You seem to be projecting the same expectations on him as his parents probably did, thereby exacerbating his situation, leaving him with no way out but to keep pretending until it all came crashing down.

This is a very typical story in cases of childhood abuse. It all comes back somehow, sometime, in some way. Read e.g. about Jennifer Pan's story or hear Anna Akana talk about how her upbringing caused her to turn to habitual lying as a way to relieve the pressure.

Your boyfriend is almost certainly plagued by massive flashbacks whenever he tries to relax or focus. I know that because I myself was sexually abused by my mother and I'm what the kind people in this thread would consider a "loser, not husband material". Well, it was my way of working though the shit. Because if I had succeeded in life, then I would have given my parents the undeserved blessing for their behavior.

If you're interested in CPTSD, which I'm all but certain your bf could be diagnosed with once he's out of his current major depression, learn more about how and why these things play out and what some possible ways out of that are. Here's one possible starting point.

Maybe you can help him, maybe not. Just your being there as an emotional support system is incredibly helpful for someone in his situation though.

Or, you know, you could just do yourself a favor and dump his ass. At the end of the day, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy either way. If you're the person who would abandon him because he can't perform as you expected him because of things that happened to him when he was a child, then he is actually better off without you. If you're the sort of girlfriend who actually wants to be a friend as well, then he's better off with you around. You're not at the age where you have to make a quick decision as some here are advising you to.

Anyway, these are just my rapidly typed 2 cents. Good luck.

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