Determinism or awareness of it is important for us because it allows us to understand that morality is a necessary fiction

Ah, okay I see now. You are currently low in some hierarchy that you believe you are stuck in and suffering its effects dramatically. Your SuperEgo is judging your harshly. The ghostly whispers of some domineering parent telling you you're not good enough. The existence of standards of God is a stark reminder of all this judgement and your perceived inability to measure up. No one has forgiven you much less yourself, am I right?

I have been there myself. The darkest of places. Look, your currently made of mostly dead wood at the moment. You have to let that stuff go and be able to see yourself naked (essence). And the only way you can climb back up is to voluntarily accept the responsibility to climb back up. If you have debts that need to be paid to other people or society (money or apologies or retribution) you first have to pay back yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. Forgive yourself. Let the dead wood fall away.

The only way out is to voluntarily take responsibility (aka ability to respond) right now in this moment and then to the next moment. Respond to what's going on in a forward thinking way. Accept a load that you can lift and lift it. Look to be a service to others and they will be service to you. That which you hold so dear about yourself will come back to you. You have to have faith.

I believe you're avoiding the light because you fear your dead wood will ignite taking all of you with it.