I'm in my upper 30's and although I have a good job outside of that, my life is not what it should be.

I don't know how to connect with others. I can make small talk and do what I need to in order to fake it in public and at work but I can't say I've ever had a close friend. Sometimes it's lonely maybe 25% of the time. Most of the time I prefer it that way. Most of the time I don't really care about adult humans. I care immensely about my kiddos at work (they don't talk) and my dogs but listening to what another adult has to say just holds no appeal for me. There are a couple people who I like to hear speak - my therapist is one of them, my aunt is another - but that's not the norm. Words in general are ok though, text or online like this is ok and I like reading non-fiction and learning about historical people. I spent months wishing my therapist showed more care before realizing she probably does show it sufficiently, I just can't feel it.

I don't do enough around the house and when I try to do more I end up retreating back to my room because my family lives with me and I just can't make myself be around them too much. I don't clean up enough. I don't get outside enough. I don't do my hobbies enough. The same for sleeping - I stay awake late at night on my days off because then I can be out of my room with no one else around. The days I work are night shifts so I can sleep during the day. I don't like being seen, even by those who I'm ok with. Which also means I'm pretty terrible at eye contact. Basically I don't want to deal with anyone else's bullshit or needs unless they're a young child, an animal, or one of those two people. Also, my mom talks out loud to herself non-stop. Like literally, she doesn't go 30 seconds without talking to herself. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad but after years and years it gets pretty grating. There's the asshole shining through again!

And I'm ok like that for a while and then out of the blue an internal emotional meltdown hits and I want someone to reassure me that it's ok and hold on to me even though touch is not relaxing to me at all so even if someone did I probably wouldn't actually want them to. Sobbing, suicidal, emotional train wrecks are not an attractive quality.

Basically I need to care more about other people and learn to enjoy being around them, stop being lazy at home, and figure out how to not have internal meltdowns. Stop being a freak and stop being an asshole sums all of that up nicely, don't you think?