I think one of the hardest cycles that depression will put you through is the cycle of effort.
This isn’t to say you are lazy. Rather, this cycle often takes place at the beginning of a depressive episode, and can stay rooted for years. I went through it for the past few years, and I’m still working through it. I hope my advice can be helpful to you. This cycle starts with low self esteem, you believe you don’t matter, so you slowly stop taking regular care of your basic needs, your responsibilities, and maybe even the needs of others.
You may have realized that happiness very seldom comes naturally to you. Instead you seek it out, and even when experiencing doing things you enjoy, the feeling of dread that hangs overhead severely mitigates the joy you will feel. You are not alone.
You say you feel as though you haven’t accomplished anything. I think that we as people, hold ourselves against high expectations far to often. I think you are downplaying your vital role as an individual that makes large impacts in the lives of those who love you. Those are accomplishments. However the reason you may still not feel accomplished is because you are not living your life the way you want to. You may have a debilitating fear of disappointing yourself, and the people around you. So instead, you seek happiness in things that are easy or effortless, and within your comfort zone. Based off what you’ve said, one of your primary means of obtaining temporary relief is through sex.
That’s okay, your not a whore. Sex is a wonderful and intimate experience between people. That’s why it’s so addicting.
So the cycle begins, you put the bare minimum of effort into your life and its responsibilities, because it’s just “easier.” The mountain of responsibilities in front of you seems insurmountable, so you avoid it.
I think if you just started small, and put effort into simple things that you would normally procrastinate, you would notice a very large shift in how you feel.
Start by taking good care of yourself. This may be difficult if you have low opinions of yourself. So I would like to tell you a fact; you matter. You’re life is valuable and you are loveable. No matter what lies depression tells you, this is true.
So start by simply acknowledging that you matter. Look at yourself in the eyes the mirror and tell yourself you matter. Do that every day.
Start keeping your living space clean. There is no doubt that cleaning has large mental health bonuses, and you will feel much better every time you walk into our clean room.
From there, start working on the other small things you may ignore that have negative health impacts. Start eating 3 meals a day, have good hygiene, exercise, pay your bills as soon as you have the chance, see a therapist or discuss your thoughts with people you trust and love. You matter okay, so treat yourself right.
Taking care of yourself is your starting goal. I think you will notice a significant improvement in your mood
Life does get better, it just takes a bit of effort. Try not to stress over the past or the things that you do not have control over. Instead try to focus on the things you can control.
So let me finish with this, your life is absolutely, 100%, worth putting effort into.