(26F) hetero.

I'm in a long-term relationship of 8 years, and I have forced sex fantasies, but haven't done any roleplay involving it aside from very mild BDSM/humiliation.

I have a past of sexual abuse, so that I am into forced sex fantasies is something at times that has giving me ethical doubts about myself. But I know it's not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to develop these type of fantasies. Talking about my forced sex fantasies is not something I share easily with my partner or closest friends. The things I will name here are not things I have ever been vocal about to my partner. The fantasies can be really, really dark. I have no real wish to exercise these fantasies though, but I think about them a lot during masturbation or sex.

In my forced sex fantasy, I often imagine that I'm abducted and that the person doing the acts on me is unrecognizable, because wearing a mask or something. Sometimes I imagine being humiliated, by being insulted or forced into embarrassing positions, and feeling very exposed. Sometimes I imagine being starved for attention for a span of time, and developing a sort of stockholm syndrome. Sometimes I imagine my boyfriend is watching, or partaking in the acts, be it under pressure or out of want. The forced sex fantasies often contain a MFM/orgy element.

As far as talking with my partner about this, we have fantasized sometimes about BDSM, tying and blindfolding each other, he likes to call me a slut or a bitch during sex and sometimes he spits on me, but it hasn't gotten further than that. And actually, I'm happy with not turning those fantasies into reality, because sometimes I already cannot take it how much BDSM'ish things we do know, and it's not even that much. I have to be in a very specific state of mind to actually get turned on by humiliation and forceful elements when we do it.