borderline alcoholic, anxious or what. vietnam 78' in my head, world is a scary place.

I'm only 26, and have had an extremely simple life compared to yours. I have never fought hard for anything but the trust of my peers and guardians after being caught in lies to cover my self-abuse and general lack of integrity. I feel immense guilt over my student loan and medical debt already, and I finally know that all of my problems are due to CHOOSING not to sleep, and spending all of my paychecks on alcohol. I have been deluding even myself about how many drinks my small female frame has been processing every day for 5 years. I began isolating myself from my friends by ignoring texts and emails. I needed a therapist long ago, at 17 when I first realized that alcohol removed my anxieties, as well as my inhibitions, but they are just so expensive. I have never not embarrassed myself to terrible degrees when drinking with others, so now I am the obvious nervous alcoholic at social gatherings. I carry around a tea thermos like a Bible, and try to have fun sober. When everyone else's brain becomes wet, I dampen mine too, until I black out. I am young-looking, and friendly when sober, so people tend not to take advantage of me; they have more hope for my health and future than I do. But twice I have been raped. I should have dumped alcohol when I had the chance, but I have now used it as a cry for help. My parents inherited enough money from my grandfather's gruesome death a few weeks ago to start caring about my mental health with me. I convinced them to pay for a therapist for me by constantly getting drunk alone at their home. They believe in alcoholism, but not anxiety or depression. I wish I had reached out to someone else and in a safer way. If only I had just decided to pile on the medical debt against me and go on my own terms, I would have had someone to tell my secrets too. I am thankful that I have found Reddit, because people like you are out there, needing help too, and we may have nothing in common, but I know you will receive my message. I am going to attend an AA meeting as soon as I get past the fear of opening up in person. I am not religious, but hopefully AA can save us both from being fearful nihilists. You are going to be successful in exactly your own way. I am talking with my friends about my mistakes and the desire to forgive myself. I hope you can tell your close friend the details of your situation with no judgment; it feels incredible to be met with love when you finally admit you have hatred for yourself. I am sure countless people near you love you, but this community does as well, and that is just as meaningful. One love, indeed. Have a relaxing Saturday night. I am watching Hannibal Burress stand-up, then helping my artistic, driven friends make a short film. I read your post just after sneaking some of the communal Cabin Fever whiskey, but no more. Thank you for sharing your plight. We are all in this one together.

/r/Anxiety Thread